Dear Me,

Well this is a lot, huh? Apparently you are a mom now. Let’s talk about a few things…

What you just endured was traumatic. It’s going to take you some time to accept that and work through that because you think there are other people who have endured worse and at the end of the day you and your baby both came home safe and sound. However, 48 hours of predominately un-medicated labor does something to a person. The sooner you are able to say, “Yes, I had a traumatic birth” the sooner you will be able to heal mentally and emotionally.

I am going to be very honest right now, because you are doing an excellent job of hiding this from everyone but me, but you are not acting like yourself. Sure, we have always been organized, type-a, perfectionistic, and neat freaks….but this is a new level. These racing and intrusive thoughts, inability to rest (let alone sit down), micro-managing everyone in your life, obsessive cleaning and clinging to your baby’s schedule like it’s a life line…this is not you and this is not normal. The sooner you can open up to your partner, your family, your friends and seek help from a professional the more of yourself you will regain.

Motherhood will change you forever. I know you are trying so hard to hold onto who you used to be, but that is a futile effort. It is going to take all that you are hold it under a microscope, rip it into pieces, throw it in a fire, and then you will emerge re-defined, strengthened, and completely and utterly changed. Don’t hold onto who you were, there is a more true and beautiful version coming.

Parenthood has changed your marriage forever. It will put the most stress, exhaustion, and tension into your relationship that you both have ever experienced. And in the midst of this stress and strain, there is an actual human who has to be kept alive. No one will tell you this, but this will be some of the hardest years of your marriage, and definitely the hardest ones you have experienced as of yet.

Motherhood has changed your body forever. And that’s ok. But know it’s also ok to grieve all that was before. It’s ok to miss not being needed. It’s ok to want to run away some days or just rewind to the way things were before your life revolved around the last feeding and wondering how such a small person can poop so much. But in the midst of the chaos, you will be in awe of all that your body just did and continues to do.

It’s ok to admit how hard this all is. I know generations before never truly talked about it, or glossed over the icky parts, but that’s not what is needed. People need others to sit down in the trenches with them and say, “This is hard. What do you need?”

You aren’t going to have it all together and you are going to feel like you are impersonating someone’s mother…probably for a few years until you really find your identity within motherhood. However, as soon as you find your footing in your identity, everything will shift from underneath you. You will become very adept at redefining your role as you go.

Please ask for help, but not just a generic shout into the wilderness. Be clear and direct with your needs and opinions before they become pent up and transform into rage.

Know that you aren’t going to know everything. Some things just aren’t in any parenting book and you are going to have to trust your intuition and gut. This will seem wildly irresponsible right now and you want to do it all by the book, but know your intuition and your ability to ground yourself and know will get stronger. Keep trusting the process.

This. Is. Hard. This is insanely hard and nothing and no one can prepare you for this. However, I want you to know to keep going. It’s going to be worth it. Wait until you meet these kids that you are raising,…they are some solid gold humans with a spit-fire attitude and dance moves for days. Hang in there mama, brighter days are ahead.

All my love,

Me